My
Darling Chris with you gone all I have left are the tender
memories. It
seems
like everything reminds me of you and how wonderful it was being
your
wife, friend and lover. You started to write a note to me.
I found it in
your
locker. You said you loved me and felt that you were blessed to
have
me.
I have to say I feel I was the blessed one. To have had
you in my life, to
have
held you in my arms. You healed my soul in ways I didn't believe
were
possible.
I am so thankful to you for doing that. For loving me like no
other.
Your
Wife Raquel
May
your gentle nature always be remembered
for
you were truly a great man!
Memories
~~~
While
we were engaged Chris compared me to a Rose.
I
never thought of myself as a Rose. If I am his Rose he is my
stem.
When
you see a Rose it is only beautiful if it has a strong root, a strong
stem.
Other
wise it looks dead and wilted not beautiful at all.
So
from then I thought of him as my stem, my roots, my strength.
When
I wrote our wedding poem I included a sentence.
"As
beautiful as the leaves on the reddest rose."
Meaning
the steam the strength. With out a beautiful stem the Rose is
nothing. The beauty of the bud is complimented by the stem.
On
our wedding day we united his stem and my rose.
We
promised to nurture each other and help each other grow.
And
we did grow and we were beautiful.
~
I
loved how Chris came home from work and opened his arms to me.
With
baby steps he came toward me,
Smiling
lips on his face, eyes shining.
Then
he would put a knee on the bed and wrap his arms around me.
He
would squeeze me and kiss me on the head and cheek.
Sometimes
rubbing my shoulders a bit.
Sometimes
pulling or pushing me down on the bed.
There
were times I would pull him down to.
Lying
on his back I would put my head on his shoulder,
And
he would hold me sometimes for a few moments.
Sometimes
for a while
~
Chris
would laugh this funny laugh. A
high-pitched giggling sound.
I
believe he laughed like that on purpose to see me look strangely at
him.
~
Chris
and me were late owls. Chris would come home from work between
12:00 - 12:30 at night. I was always watching the clock waiting
to hear the familiar sound of his key in the door. I would
always prepare myself ahead of time. Brush my hair, make sure I
had lip gloss on (not to much), Make sure that things were
cleaned a bit and tidy. As I heard his key in the door I would
adjust my clothing and go back to my computer. Acting as if I
didn't know he was coming in. Sometimes he would run to the
bathroom most times he came in quietly and sat next to me.
Sometimes he brought food other times I told him what we had to
eat. Many times he just sat around a while until he felt
hungry. I would ask him "What happened today at
work?" After he told me what went on that day I would sit
really close to him and say "YOU SMELL LIKE HOSPITAL!"
I always kissed him richly and told him I missed him. "I
missed you to." he would say. We never went to bed until
around 3 - 4 am. After getting up and getting my daughter off to
school, I loved to go to bed and lay next to Chris. Trying to
keep warm, I would rub myself next to him and he would roll over and
open his arm to me. We would lay in
the morning sun. Closing the curtains and cuddling under
blankets. I would lay my head on his tummy to listen to him
breathe.
~
Chris
liked it when I would push my glasses up on my face with my cheeks.
It
was something I did with out knowing it.
He
would look at me and do the same movement of pushing his cheek up.
At
first I didn’t know it but when he would do it so would I.
So
he would look at me and make the movement of pushing his cheek up.
To
see me push my glasses up on my face with my cheeks.
~
At
night while I was sleeping I would lean over to my husband.
He
always slept on his left side.
Sometimes
I would lay my head on his back or his side.
Sometimes
I would just hug him.
~
Whenever
I hugged Chris he would make a grunting, sighing noise.
I
know it meant that it felt good to hug me and he loved to feel close
to me.
~
Chris
would call me from work just to say hi. Just to hear my voice.
He
would tell me "No don't go I want to talk to you."
But
he really didn't have anything to talk about.
I
believe he just wanted to reach out to me for a moment.
~
Early
mornings with my Chris were the best time. No one at home just
us.
I
usually got up before Chris. I would pull him over to me.
"Chris
come here." "Come over here." I would say.
Chris
would roll over and slip his arm around me holding me close.
Giving
me a small hug then going back into a deep sleep.
I
would look at his face and not really thinking anything would touch
it.
I
would kiss his cheeks and forehead. I would rub my face next to
his.
Then
I would look for anything to pick. If he had a little blackhead
or pimple it wouldn't last long I removed it quickly.
Every
week or 2 I would do Chris's manicure and pedicure.
I
would clean his face everyday. I would put a mask on him once a
week.
I
liked to take care of Chris the best I could.
~
Chris
had many funny sayings that he used to joke around and express
himself. I would just sit and stare at him or shake my head at
him.
Chris
thought that it was so funny when I did that.
He
would say things like:
"Hey
Raquel, you wanna see my hips?"
Chris
would show me his hip and walk away giggling to himself.
We
would watch TV and see someone who was a total Idiot.
Someone
who did something so STUPID!
"He's
good, He's good, he should be a professional!"
I
would look at him and he would laugh.
If
someone came on TV that was horrible looking Chris would say.
"OH
YEAH" "YEAH BABY"
I
would scream EWWWWWWWWW! AHHHHHHHHHHH!
"OH
YEAH, OH YEAH" Chris would say it over and over.
I
would just laugh.
Chris
had made a song on the computer.
I
thought it sounded terrible and he would play that song over and over.
I
would say "PLEASE STOP PLAYING THAT!"
Chris
would say, "I'M KADOH GRIMM!" (his screen name)
"Born
the son of a share cropper down in Alabama!"
I
just shook my head at him and of course Chris would laugh at me.
Chris
would always say "My Dear"
When
talking to my Mother, me and some others.
It
was just something he said. "Yes, my Dear"
I
don't think he knew how dear he was to everyone.
~
When
I first discovered my Alopecia I remembering calling him.
Chris
had to work over time that night and I told him about the bald spot.
I
was so worried and wanted him to come home but he had already promised
to work and no one else was available. The next morning while I
was half asleep I remember him coming home I heard him. I felt
him come over to me and move my hair aside to see the spot. He
rubbed it and kissed it tenderly. He
never knew that I felt him do that and that I was really awake instead
of sleeping. From then I knew that he loved me with all of his
heart.
~
I
believe that Chris didn't want me losing any weight. He always
brought me some candy or treats. He also enjoyed treats.
Chris would always come with something tasty and give it to me.
He never said "NO" to me. He would go out of his way
most times to get something he knew I liked. Chris would
buy me extra food all the time. "Just eat it later ok." is
what he would say when I told him that it was to much. Chris
loved to eat. He would eat so slowly but by the time he finished
he would eat more than I could eat in one day. HE LOVED
FOOD! Chris didn't care how it was cooked as long as it tasted
good. As soon as a meal was done you bet he was ready to sleep.
~
Chris
was wonderful with children. They all loved him and would be
around him all the time. At my daughters birthday party in
school he was the one leading them in singing songs. Children
would follow my husband as if he was the Pied Piper. Chris and
my daughter had a special bond.
~
I
remember a certain Birthday. I was turning 25. Chris knew
my loves and with such effort he brought and hid a large gift for
me. I was so surprised and happy. He had bought me a metal
easel, canvas and a whole kit of oil paints and brushes.
Even a book to help me get started. He wanted me to a paint a
picture for our house. A nature scene. Chris thought I was
a wonderful artist. He always encouraged me to paint, draw,
write anything I liked to do. He said I could be famous
one day. That I would touch the world somehow. I think I
will paint a picture just for him. A winter scene. Chris
loved the winter and the fresh snow.
~
Chris
wanted to go to college but he didn't want me to be alone. He
wanted me to go to college also.. Because of my disabilities
that is not possible at the time. So Chris decided he would pay
for a home course for me. He started going on the internet and
looking into home courses. He ordered many information
packages. Photography, Artists, Poetry, Children's Books
and more. A week after Chris died I started to receive all these
information packages. He was really serious, If he went to
school he wanted me to go also. I love him for that. For
wanting me to follow my dreams.
~
I
thought that my heart had been so hardened by my past and all the
abuse I suffered at the hand of men. Me and Chris didn't get
close at once. It was a really drawn out process and we grew
together with time. I will never forget the first time he kissed
me and I felt "THAT FEELING!" You know that feeling,
when your heart races, you feel weak, you think your falling and
you are holding on tight all at once. We were already married
for a year and change. The kiss just hit me all at once and when
he touched me I thought I was butter because I melted into the
bed. I never thought I would feel like that again. I
thought that I had been ruined by the other men in my life. I
would tell Chris that it was unfair to him to have a wife who was all
used up.
Chris
looked at me and told me
"
I wasn't living before, you give me something to live for."
"If
I didn't meet you I would still be in that one room."
"Doing
everything by myself and working just so I wouldn't be alone."
"You
are my life now and without you what is worth living."
I
will never forget that. It seems like we both started to live
when
we found each other.
~
I
believe that every wife dreads one thing. Going to there
husbands locker and seeing what they will find there. If there
is anything that a man is hiding it is sure to be in his locker.
Things that he wouldn't want his wife to know about. Maybe even
persons he didn't want his wife to know about. Pictures,
magazines anything you can imagine. I promised myself no matter
what, I would always remember that my husband picked me and insisted
on marrying me. He also wanted to stay together. So no
matter what I found I would stay strong. What I found was a
bunch of clothing it looks very similar to his side of our room.
I found pictures also, 3 of them and all were of me. I found a
letter he had started writing to me but never finished. I now
know how I was loved and treasured by my husband.
~
Song
Artist:
Rome ~ Real Love
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to Love
to
hold
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to hold
to
Love
I
never thought I would find someone
who
would give me joy beyond compare
you
changed my life completely
Make
me feel brand new
OHHHHHHHH
what a feeling
to
hold someone
~
CHORUS ~
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to Love
to
hold
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to hold
to
Love
Real
Love you've given to me
you've
open my eyes
and
now I truly see
I'll
shout it out for the world to hear
what
you've done for me
OHHHHHH
What a feeling
to
love someone
~
CHORUS ~
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to Love
to
hold
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to hold
to
Love
You
came along and you touched me
made
me whole again
you've
given sweet love
to
my arms
REAL
LOVE
You
know what baby?
No
one else has ever made me feel the way you do.
I
hope that you'll always stay in my heart
in
my thoughts, in my soul and mind.
~
CHORUS ~
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to Love
to
hold
Real
Love, Real Love
has
come over me
I
found someone to hold
to
Love
