The following Stories are NOT for everyone.
These stories are of My Life dealing with men,
Domestic Violence, Rape and Pain.
They are my personal experiences, some are a bit graphic.
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Anyone who Wishes to stay,

I thank you for taking the time.
I am not putting my experiences here for anyone's Pity.
I am sharing my experiences to help myself heal and also to
help anyone who may have experienced something similar.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU CAN SURVIVE !

Abusive patterns repeat if you

 YOURSELF do not break them.
Some say "THEY COME TO ME !"
I said "BECAUSE YOU LET THEM !"
Realize you are worth more than the life they give you,
and dismiss anyone who treats you otherwise.

 

 

 

 


JOE
Black Male, 18 years, Bronx New York


His name was Joe. I was 13 and had just entered Middle School. He was 18 and in High School. I met him through a classmate. He right away started his act. Meeting me after school and walking with me a bit. Taking me for a walk in the park and giving me my first French Kiss. Telling me how much he liked me. I right away told him  I didn't want to have sex. He said "I will wait for you, you're special". YEAH RIGHT!  I saw him every once in a while. Talked with him a bit on the phone. He was nice and sweet and I thought no one would understand that he did like me. I was a tall girl about 5'10 at 13 and had the body of a woman. I dressed decently nothing flashy or in style. I thought "He really has to like me since I not like the other girls."

During this time I moved to my father's home and didn't talk to Joe very much. Until one day I decided to call. He told me to come by his house. I did and got in big trouble with my father for it. I didn't see him until 4 months later. I had been looking for a summer job. I had already turned 14. I was looking and applying in an area that was not too far from my old neighborhood. He told me to call if I was ever near by.  And I did, one summer day after I had put in some applications for jobs. He came and picked me up and we took the bus ride to his house. Everything seemed fine at first. We sat in the living room and talked, he kissed me, told me that he had missed talking to me. I told him about my new School and so forth. He says to me "Let's go into my Mom's bedroom she has a big TV in there".  He didn't have a bedroom  because he slept on the pull out couch. I thought about it and said "OK." We sat on the bed and watched TV. a bit and then he started to kiss me. He touched me through my clothes. When he asked me to take them off I said "No let's go back in the Living Room." Joe said me "Come on don't go over there." I did anyway and sat on the Couch. He looked mad when he came into the Living Room after me. "Why you do that for?" Joe said in an annoyed voice. I didn't want it to go further, I was a Virgin and wasn't about to have sex with him.  I liked him very much but I wasn't ready for what was coming next.

He got mad and pulled me up by my arm. He then pulled a Butcher Knife out from under a seat cushion. "NOW LISTEN TO ME" he said. "Go in that Bedroom and get on that bed." "Take your clothes off and wait for me." I looked at him with a Face that said "YEAH RIGHT!", and started to walk to the door to leave. Joe then took the Butcher Knife to my throat and walked me to the bedroom. He shoved me inside, "HURRY UP" he yelled at me. I was now really scared. I didn't think he was serious when he pulled that Knife out. " Would he really hurt me?"   I wondered. I took off all my clothes except my bra and panties. "ALL OF THEM" he shouted to me, and I did, I took them all off.  I sat on the bed and he came over to me and took his clothes off. I was very nervous and didn't know what to do.  He has that Knife in his hand a twirled it around a bit then put it right to my throat.  I looked in his eyes and I saw such a evilness.  His eyes were like pure hate.

 

  He pushed me down on the bed and laid on top of me. He rubbed himself against me, he didn't enter me but he ejaculated on my privates. All the while he keep that Butcher Knife right by the side of my head. "GO CLEAN UP" he shouted after he finished. I ran to the bathroom and did as told and got dressed. I was so nervous and scared.  He was standing right by the bathroom door when I opened it, "I want to go". I said after coming out. "Not yet" he said. He made me fix him a sand-which, and made me sit and watch while he ate it. I just wanted to leave and go home. "So you going to tell anyone about this?" He asked. "No" I said watching the Butcher Knife. He began to iron some clothes. "You better not." Joe said. He then walked over to me and slapped me a few times. "YOU WANT ME TO BURN YOU WITH THIS IRON HUH!" "RIGHT ON YOU FACE HUH?" "NO" I cried with tears running down my face. "Can I go I just want to go." He pushed me to the door and unlocked it. I walked out and slowly walked to the front door. As soon as I was outside I ran for my life. Tears spilling from my eyes. I ran into traffic almost got hit by a car trying to get to the bus stop.   I was so happy when I made it.  But the Bus was starting to leave and I ran after it.  I ran for almost a block,  I was banging on the door.  PLEASE PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!   The bus driver must have thought I was nuts but he opened the door.  "Are you ok?" he asked.  "I'm fine, I'm ok." I replied.  I was a total mess, my hair in all directions and my face red from being hit and my cheeks tear soaked.  I walked to the back of the bus and I cried all the way to my Mother's home. I waited there for her since she wasn't home,  I tried to make myself look better so she wouldn't know what happened to me.  When my mother got home I called my father and he picked me up later that evening.

A few month's later I told my doctor about my secret when I went for a routine exam.  She told my father and he was mad at me because now he would have to go report what Joe did to me. I felt so much worse, I wish I had never told my doctor. My father cursed me out all the way to the police station. He was sick and in pain and I felt like shit. My father made me feel like I was totally worthless. He said "NOW I HAVE TO GO RUNNING AROUND REPORTING THIS SHIT!" "IF I DON'T THAT STUPID DOCTOR WILL CALL SOCIAL SERVICES!" I will never forget those words my father uttered. I think he must have forgotten that just because you go to a boy's house, doesn't mean he can put a Butcher Knife to your throat and make you do things you don't want to do.







JAMES
Black Male, 21 years, Bronx New York


A friend of mine hooked us up. I was 15 and he was 21. He would talk to me as if I wasn't anything special. "Girls like you come a dime a dozen." James would say. He made me feel like he was someone I needed in my life, like I couldn't get anyone better than him. He slapped me so hard in the train once that my face turned a horrible red. He continued to shout and curse me the whole ride.  I was so embarrassed and my face hurt.  Everyone on the train was looking while he told me what a stupid little bitch I was.   I just sat there and cried.   The worst thing he did was make me perform oral sex on someone he said was his cousin. He believed in sharing girlfriends. When I refused he pulled my hair so hard he almost ripped it out. He degraded me to the point that I felt I was a nobody that I was worse than dirt. I tried very hard to remember that I was worth more than this and pulled myself together and left him and the whole area all together.  I left home and ran away.  Later I found out that that his face had been slashed by some person he crossed. I was very happy about that.






EDDIE
Hispanic Male, 21 years, Manhattan New York


I was 16 when I met Eddie. I was in a shelter for youths ages 21 and under. I couldn't continue to live at my Father's house because of many reasons. I was also pregnant and alone. I met Eddie who was 21 and he treated me so nice. He wasn't very good looking, but, he actually seemed to care about me. He knew I was pregnant and he said he didn't care, to love me is to love my child also. I was overjoyed and clung to him desperately. He also was in the Shelter. We felt like two young people in love and facing the world alone. Within a week of meeting him, the child inside me was sick and the doctors took it away. I was empty and didn't know what to do. I had to start a new life.

Then the abuse started. It was not on one occasion it was many times a day. We would argue and he always wanted his way. He would choke me until I nearly passed out. He hit me, punched me, slammed me into walls so hard I would lose my breath. He would pull me by my hair, make me give him my food and made me feel guilty for it all. I begged in the street for money to eat because he would eat most of my food portions. I thought of killing myself. It was all happening so fast. Eddie talked so badly to me, he made me feel like I was nothing and he would threaten to kill himself if I left him. One time he even threatened to slit his wrists with glass. I said "Go ahead, but, I am still leaving you." When he acted like he was going to slit his wrists, the glass cut him a little bit and he started to bleed.  Then he started hitting me saying "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"  He apologized so sweetly that I knew he would never do it again. Until he did it again. I couldn't get rid of him. I was terrified of him but couldn't let him go, I didn't want to.

One occasion I remember us fighting and I left the area. I walked and walked, I started to return to the Shelter and I saw him running at me at full speed. I screamed a horrible scream so loud the whole block looked our way. I thought he was going to hit me, I dropped to my knees in tears. Everyone outside the shelter saw it and they told the counselors. Everyone knew he was abusing me and everyone tried to get me to break up with him. The Shelter tried to get me to go back home to my father. They set up a meeting for us. Being so mad at my father for previous things, I left the Shelter with Eddie and we lived on the streets. Sleeping in subways, on sidewalks, in parks. I remember passing by my mother's house for a bath. I stayed 2 hours and Eddie screamed at me for staying so long. Some good friends of his let us stay with them a few days. But I had to go back to the shelter to get clothes and when I did, they had police waiting for me there. They were going to arrest me, my father had told them to arrest me if I returned to the Shelter. One of the counselors at the Shelter took personal responsibility for me and promised I wouldn't leave until my Family Court date. My father had decided to take me to Family Court to try to put me in a group home. That is exactly where I ended up in a group home and spent the next few months being shipped around from borough living in some really nasty places.   I saw Eddie a few times after that. But the bond was slowing breaking. I went away upstate to school and have never seen him since.




NATHANIEL
Black  Male, 21 years, Bronx New York


In many ways he the worst. I didn't know him as Nathaniel at first. His name was Kevin. I was 18 and he was 21. I had finished school and was in my own apartment. I met him on the same block I lived. He was handsome and had a quality about him. I was interested at first sight and so was he. I didn't know that when he saw me his first thought was that I would make a good Prostitute. Young, Tall, Strong, Big and Beautiful. Perfect in his mind for a Whore. But, no I didn't give in to his Pimp Tricks. He ended up falling in love with me in a horrible Love - Hate relationship. He hated women because of his mother. After meeting her I can see why he felt that way. He was addicted to weed, it was the only thing on his mind.  He couldn't function with out his daily doses of smoke.  By the time I found out he didn't really have a job, and about his awful ways I was already in a trap. He was living with me and I was pregnant with his child.

Most of the abuse was for control. He wanted to control me. I was fighting because I didn't want the abuse. I couldn't work anymore because I was pregnant and had such bad morning sickness. I didn't have medical care or vitamins. I didn't have any income. The beatings were frequent. I would hide any money I had in the walls and door frames of my apartment. When I didn't give him money he would beat me. He needed at least 10 dollars a day for his pot habit. That may not seem like a lot, but when you don't have money for food, and your lucky enough to have 10 dollars, the last thing you want is someone to beat the hell out of you for it so they can go smoke some weed.  It seemed like he couldn't even think without his morning smoke. He punched me with his fists, beat me with a blow-dryer, a cord, the only part of my body he didn't hit was my face. He thought I was beautiful and wouldn't hurt my face. One time he put what I thought was a loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger, THANK GOD it wasn't loaded. He would look at the purple and black bruises on my body and he would say, "I DIDN'T DO THAT" and he would cry sometimes. I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. He wanted everything his way, my makeup, when I talked, how I talked, what I wore, when I went places, he wanted me to appear as a whore but wanted me to himself. He even cracked a man's head for talking to me. He would force me to do what he wanted whether I wanted it or not. Sex, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, even if I fought him he would overpower me. He liked to overpower me. He was my height 6'2 and extremely strong and big though not bigger than me, with knowledge of the Martial Arts. I fought with myself over this situation, but LOVE OVERPOWERED ME. When I was 6 months pregnant and starting to show he stopped hitting me. He even seemed to care. When he was high on pot he was cruel and hateful with his words to me. He was arrested on gun possession when I was 7 months pregnant, I stood by him. He went back and forth to court. I started going to the doctor between my 6th and 7th month. I gave birth to a beautiful daughter. He loved her and so did I. Three weeks after her birth he had a court date, it seemed that he would get parole since it was a first offense. He never came home from court. When his lawyer called that afternoon, he told me that the man I knew as Kevin Z. was really named Nathaniel H. and was wanted for murder. He had been on the run for 4 years. He is now doing life in a Maximum Security Prison in Boston Mass. He may have had a awful life and I understand this, but if you cannot control yourself you shouldn't hurt others. I still speak to him on occasion and send him pictures of his daughter.  He even asked me to marry him but I refused. The irony is somewhere in my heart I still love him. But now there is a difference. I know he is not good for me.


GREG
Black - Haitian Male, 22 years, Brooklyn New York


I thought I had learned my lesson by now. Not another man would hurt me I would say to myself. I was 19 my daughter's father was in jail and I was alone. A close friend of mine was my roommate for a short time. That is when I met Greg, the friend of my friend. Greg was 22 and was in college. I was impressed, He spoke intelligently and was curious about me. I thought he was someone different. He didn't have much experience with women, hardly any girlfriends, lived with his parents and went to school. I thought he sure is different, I was so wrong. He was into a certain group that is popular a kind of religious group. I got into it, but, there view on women are not good. He took the view to the extreme. Women were meant to serve men and take care of them. I personally don't mind taking care of a man as long as he takes care of me also. It seemed that as soon as he met me Greg didn't want to go to school anymore. He would come to my house all day and eat my food. I didn't have much being on welfare with a baby and all on my own. My first priority was my child and he didn't like that. He wanted me to consider him first. I told him "HELL NO" my baby comes first. The man used to love baby food the desert, I actually had to fight with him not to eat my daughter's food. I would take all my food stamps and buy her food for the month first so I had a cabinet stocked with all her food. Greg would say "You got so much here can't I have one?" "I will buy her another one." I would always respond with "If you want to buy one buy it for yourself." "I buy only enough for her not for you." I was not about to let him eat my daughter's food. He doesn't got a job how he going to buy anything.

But I thought with me catering to him it would encourage him to do better. Got to give my people a chance, got to give my black men a chance, all it did was made him lazier. I would hand wash his clothes, feed him and his friends, take him places. He never had a dime, when he came to me I am the one who taught him the basics. How to properly take care of his face and hair, do his manicure and pedicure, wash properly always smell good. What deodorant, shampoo, conditioner to buy and of course I had to pay for all his things. I bought his clothes, shoes, food, jewelry, personal products. I bought it all at the expense of myself. I never let my daughter suffer or my siblings who lived with me. I used my money the little I had. I would save and save every penny to give him things. I was CRAZY, he continued to use this psychological bullshit on me. Soon the physical abuse started. I just wouldn't give in to certain things, and we would fight something terrible. I wouldn't give in, I wasn't going to let him get away with certain things. Like trying to make me give him food before the children. Children eat first, whatever is left we take. I had my siblings at the time and I received money from my father for them so I would buy there food and keep it separate for them. He would want to eat there food. NO WAY I wouldn't allow it, he could eat anything that was mine but not the children's food. He didn't treat the kids very nice and I would fight with him about his attitude.

He took classes at his place of worship that taught Martial Arts. He would use it on me. He pounded my chest so hard with his palm that I could feel the loss of breath in me. He knew I was strong and could hurt him. I was at my limit I wouldn't let a man hit me with out feeling a bit of my own sting. He once threw me so hard I crashed into the wall. I am a big woman and never felt that before. I in return threw him into a wall and broke the sheetrock. He had this mental game over me. He admired my beauty though, he bragged about me to all his friends. His little Puerto Rican Prize, his friends became envious and would look at me in ways I didn't like. With his beliefs to get a Hispanic woman was a BIG THING. So he would brag and brag, I was sick of it. I fought with the constant put downs. "YOU JUST A WOMAN" "THERE ARE 10 WOMAN FOR EVERY MAN" "YOU WILL NEED ME" "WOMEN ARE TO SERVE MEN" "YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT A MAN" "THE MOST HIGH WILL ONLY ACCEPT A WOMAN WHO TREATS HER MAN RIGHT" I had to keep strong, he never would do a thing for me. He made me service his physical needs any time whichever way he wanted. He would have me sit for hours playing with him. He was greedy and manipulative.

I remember one day I had sent him to get some food from the corner store. Egg sandwiches with cheese and orange juice. He didn't check the bags so I was missing an egg sandwich. Of course it would have been mine right. I asked him to go back and please get it. He refused, I paid for it and the place was only a block away. What was I going to eat. Still he refused to go get the sandwich. He had a cup of orange juice in his hand and I had gotten so mad that I flung my arm up. Accidentally it hit the cup and orange juice flew everywhere. He looked at me and took his sandwich and smashed it in my face and hair. It was hot and it burned. He didn't even asked me why it happen or gave me a chance to say I am sorry it was an accident. He then punched me several times in my head. I was so upset and embarrassed. I thought he would change but he never did. I did break up with him and he begged on bended knee. "I NEED YOU, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES ME, PLEASE I WILL CHANGE, GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE." I took him back, it had so much to do with the politics of the group he was with the religion. I believed I thought I was displeasing the Lord. But one day I said to myself. The most high will love me if I cling to him and not to this man. I did I prayed and prayed some say that it is impossible but he answered me in a dream. I am not extremely religious but I do believe in God. I moved into another neighborhood and broke up with this man. He kept calling me for a year or two. Trying to get me back. I still know many of people who he also knows. He still talks about me as if I did something wrong. He still wants me back though. I saw him one day when I was walking with my Fiancé. He was preaching in the street, I looked and him straight in the eyes. I knew he wanted me, my hair had grown so much longer. My face was flawless in the night light. I looked at him with a smirk on my face, grabbed my Fiancé and turned and walked away. He still talks to people about that night.



In no way does me including the Race of these men mean anything Racially. I have loved and always will love black men. This is not meant to bash the Black or Hispanic race. As we all know abuse comes in all forms and races. The only reason I state the race of these men is to better explain the fact of thought "GIVING MY PEOPLE A CHANCE". This thought made me believe that I should give extra concern and effort toward my Black and Hispanic male as them being of the same race as myself. I should have given myself the concern and not the men who entered my life. I put up with much more that I ever thought I would have just for the words "GIVING MY PEOPLE A CHANCE"  "GIVING MY MAN A CHANCE"  "HELPING OUT MY MAN OF MY RACE" The thought that women of color don't give men of color a chance and are always "SELLING OUT" to another race. The truth is we should be with the man who treats us the proper way. "RACE" is not the issue here, the way you are treated is the important thing. Many men no matter what the race, no matter how they were brought up, no matter what Country, State, Town, Area are manipulative and hurtful to women.  All the men above knew my age.  When I went out with many of them I was under the legal age.  I never tried to hide my age from them, and still they manipulated me,  used me had there way with me and treated me cruel.  Yes I allowed it,  I stayed there and took this abuse until I couldn't take it anymore.  PLEASE teach yourself, your daughter's, your sister's, your cousin's, your friends their worth. Make them truly believe that they do not deserve the pain men like the above can inflict on them.

I am now married to a "BLACK - JAMAICAN MALE"
He treats me very well and doesn't hit me.


EPILOGUE

It is April 18, 2001. I have just completed these writings. I am very drained and depressed. But inside me is another feeling. I am relieved, finally I have faced some of the things I tried so hard to forget.  I pushed these memories down far inside myself trying to live and act like they didn't happen.   It affected me and made my life total misery.  Now to face it to say " I went through this,  I fought against it and I am alive,  I am living a life with out hurt and pain! "   These past experiences have left me with scars that are hard to fade. I am very wary of people, I don't trust anyone, I always look for the meaning behind it all. I am working on myself and that is what this page is about. Learning to be careful about who you allow to enter into your life, but also to allow yourself to love.  My daughter is now 7 years old and I am married going on my 2nd anniversary.  It has been an uphill battle for me and my husband.  He has had to deal with all the scars on my soul.  My flash backs, nightmares that make me talk and scream, sometimes I stare out into space while the visions of my past are running through my mind.  It has not been easy for him and it has not been easy for me to say I love you and mean it.  To have enough trust to give him a bit of my heart has be an on going battle.  BUT I AM WINNING IT!  I really am winning this battle that is inside myself.


I sometimes think, If I had not called JOE. If I had walked out of the train when JAMES hit me. If I would have left EDDIE the first time he grabbed me so roughly. If I would have said no when NATHANIEL asked to move in. If I would have told GREG go to school or get away from me. If I had done these things I might not have gone through so much. If I had loved myself first instead of loving them first. I might not be so hurt inside and carry these scars.

If you are a woman and reading this page. PLEASE for you own sake don't ever let a man have so much control over you. If he speaks badly you don't need him. If he puts you down walk away. If he thinks of himself more than you. Why cant you do the same and think of yourself more and leave him? If he hits you never give him the chance to do it again. Love yourself more than anyone else can, and you will never let anyone treat you less than you deserve.


With Love LuvRaqui

 

 

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