Ready For Love - Raquel and Chris through the Years

And the Day came, when I knew I was Ready.

Ready for Love

And I asked the Lord to send unto me a Man.

Different Men came into my life.

Hurt and Despair were all I knew.

Pain and Desperation were what they brought me.

And My heart Suffered.

And My Soul was Wounded.

By Men who were Callous, Hard, Cruel and Mean.

Then the Day came when I asked the Lord to Send me A Real Man.

One who would Heal me and Love me.

One who would Give My Heart a Chance.

One who would be Long Suffering and Patient with me.

One who would be Dedicated.

Time Passed.

Days upon Days

Weeks upon Weeks

Months upon Months

Year after Year

And I Suffered, and My Soul was Wounded.

And My Body became Weak.

Until Death came knocking on my Door and I heard the knock

with every fiber of my being and I did not care.

Then Like the Answer to my Prayer.

He was before me.

And at the lowest point in my Life he came to me.

He healed my Body.

He healed my Heart.

He healed my Mind.

Then he healed my Soul.

He took me back to a place before the hurt, before the pain.

Before I found out that Love could cause my heart to shatter like glass.

Glass shards that would cut me to the bone.

Before I knew that Love could make my heart turn to stone.

A Stone I believed would never disappear.

And Life was Good.

Until

He was Taken as quickly as he came.

Suddenly he is Gone

In an instant without warning.

For no reason.

Left without the only Love I have known

The only Real Love

Cut down in his prime when all seemed so right.

When our Love was so abundant

He may be gone but never forgotten.

Because I was Ready for Love and I was Ready for Him.

Ready for Love

Written by: Raquel Hernandez / LuvRaqui

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1998 After One Month Chris asked me to Marry Him.

Chris - "You are my life, without you my life is not worth living!"

Bronx Zoo Spring 1999

Chris - "You are everything I want in a Woman."

Bronx Zoo Spring 1999

Chris - "All I want to do is make you happy, Just let me Love You!"

Bronx Zoo Spring 1999

My Daughter Jael and Chris

Chris - "I love her like she is My Own. She is my Little Girl"

Bronx Zoo Spring 1999

Chris - "From the First time I came to see you in that hospital room, and you smiled that big beautiful smile at me I knew I was in love with you."

Our Wedding Day ~ September 25, 1999

Chris - "I want you to be my Wife"

Our Wedding Day ~ September 25, 1999

Chris - "The first time you kissed me I couldn't help but shake."

Our Wedding Day ~ September 25, 1999

Chris - "All I want is Family, All I want is you!"

Our Wedding Day ~ September 25, 1999

Chris - "I live for you now, You are my life. My Beautiful Wife."

2000

Chris - "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

2000

Chris - "I see us growing old together, and always being Happy."

2001

Chris - "All I ever think about is you, Every moment of everyday."

Our Anniversary Dinner ~ 2 years ~September 26, 2001

Chris - "It seems like we have been together forever & I love you more each day."

Chris Passed away on October 2nd 2001

Exactly one week after our Anniversary

Valentine's Day Memorial 2002

One Rose for Chris and One for me

One 7 day burning Red Candle for Love

One 7 day burning White Candle for Purity

One Glass with water to bring his sprit peace and guidance

His memorial Card and Program

Cups with sweet things he would like to drink

Treats and sweets, because he loved them.

Our Wedding Picture to draw him close,

and let him know I loved him in Life and in Death.

It's My Birthday

January 8, 2003

It's My Birthday Today.
And I'm thinking of you.
I keep trying to suppress the memory.
And though I smile.
And though I try to laugh.
I feel this emptiness inside me.
Because your not here.

You cant come back to me.
And I have lost an important part of myself.
The part that allowed me to love you.

I remember when you use to hug me.
The times you brushed my hair.
slowly putting me to sleep.
By softly rubbing my ear
and whispering things I wanted to hear.

When you told me you loved me.
When you showed me that love even more.
When I told you I couldn't live without
the simple pleasures of us I adored.

You were a simple man with simple wants & ways.
For this simple ness I loved you more each day.
There was no way for you to lie to me.
Your mind did not conceive,
to try and make me believe something untrue
You did not try to hurt me.
Your body could not embrace me wrongly.
You did not use me.
You gave of yourself with out looking back.

We had many a problem.
Dealing with the newness of each other.
Learning personalities.
Dealing with things we didn't agree should be.
But you accepted me, and I you.
For who we were.

The fact is that our dedication was forever.
Our love unconditional.
No if's ands or but's
I was who I was
you were who you were
and we agreed that we were beautiful
and loving means accepting the things we don't like
because we were in love with the things we do.
There is no I love you IF, you do this
I love you IF, you act like that
You give me this AND I will give you
I would stay BUT your not acting the way I want.
Love was accepting
Accepting was believing
Believing was our hope for the future
and Dedication the Glue that held us together.

I cherish that.
I cherish your memory everyday
I cherish the last time you spoke my name,
while you were in pain and confused but still
you acknowledged me as your wife.
The woman who you shared your life with.
When I carried you and you stumbled upon me
and I screamed in pain.
You said you were sorry.
Of all things, while your body struggled to live.
You woke briefly to say you were sorry.
Always thinking of me.
Always there and today I miss you.

If I could have you for one more day.
Just one more day.
I would lay you down and hold you.
Whisper to you my every thought and love.
I would mold my body to you and never let you go.
I would look into your eyes for hours,
marveling at the beauty and love coming forth.

I would simply love you.
With every breath,
every caress
every thought
every moment
If only I could have you one more day
On this day
My Birthday

32 Today

September 11, 2003

Hello Chris, I am thinking of you today.

I have been thinking about you lately.

Today is your Birthday and you would have been 32.

Maybe we would have gone out. Or just stay at home.

Would I have been able to hold out and wait until today to give you your present.

Or would I have given it to you already.

Chris I have been thinking about you.

About this coming January.

You would have been finishing college classes.

Moving up in your field.

Saying that it was because of me that you went back to school.

Because you wanted to give me the house. The life we wanted.

You wanted me happy and taken care of.

I would have told you a secret.

On your graduation day. When you move up in your field.

I was going to tell you. I was going let you know.

That if you were willing to go to school for me, to work for me, to love me,

I would do something for you. I would give you a baby.

That I would be more than proud, to have a baby by a man,

who would give his all for me.

I was going to give you, a child, your future. Our future.

That was my secret the one thing I told you I would not do. I now agree to do!

I have been thinking so much about you.

Sometimes I wish you would just answer me.

I wish that you would come back to me

Wish that you were here and we would celebrate your birthday.

I would get you your favorite cake. With blue icing.

And you can have it all for you. You don't have to share.

I would cook you your favorite. My baked macaroni and cheese.

Rub your shoulders and back. Make you feel as special as I know you are.

As special as you used to make me feel everyday.

Just thinking of you. Brings me feelings I have never felt.

My throat feels like its being pulled in my stomach.

And I try to breathe.

But it actually, physically hurts.

Feels like I cant talk my muscles pulling down to my stomach so tightly.

When I swallow it pulls harder and I feel pain inside my neck, and my heart.

I feel as though I cant take a breath.

My chest pounds so hard.

So hard I just want to lay down and die. Meet you on the other side.

When I think about the dreams we had.

When I think about all we wanted and what you were working toward.

I have to correct myself, they were not dreams!

You see they were our reality just waiting to come true.

You were going to make sure any dream I had came true.

So now I say they are not dreams, they were our reality just waiting to happen.

I think now I would have gone to school with you.

You wanted me to go to college also.

So much so, that you ordered at home courses for me.

I was going to make a difference you said.

You can change the world! you said.

Now the only thing I want to change in this world is to have you back in it.

I read on the net today.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But...only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

How can I say you were my REASON, my SEASON, my Lifetime all in one.

You came and gave me a REASON to love again.

You were here for a short time a SEASON .

You made me so happy, even with our problems. No one can compare.

We learned to live a LIFETIME. We worked hard and we learned from each other.

But why couldn't I keep you for a Lifetime?

Now I want to know the Reason that you only stayed for a Season?

Was I your Lifetime?

Here until your life was over.

We both learned together but you always said I taught you so much about

love and our relationship.

You taught me love doesn't have to hurt. Not with you.

I love you, I always will.

I just wanted to say, Happy Birthday my love.

From the bottom of my heart, forever.

Your Wife Raquel

What Happens

Fall 2003 - Raquel Hernandez Gillings

What happens when the person who means everything to you.
Disappears one day.
They don't walk away.
They didn't have to leave.
In fact they couldn't wait to come home.
They are not coming back
It is not a trip they are on.
No phone conversation
or the hopes of a friendship remaining
You will never see their face,
hear their voice,
feel them next to you again.

What happens when the person who means everything to you dies.
Maybe it is just me.

But I couldn't be myself with anyone.
But with my husband.
He knew everything about me.
Things my parents don't know and never will.
Things I could not, will not, should not tell my child.
Things that my friends do not know.
Only with him I could be everything.
I didn't have to hide my fears.
He said he would always be there and be strong for me,
I didn't have to be ashamed of my mistakes,
He never tried to throw them in my face because he was mad at me.
I could love what I love and hate what I hate.
He said that is what made me special. My dislikes and likes.
He accepted me as I was and said
"That is just Raquel." "I love her for who she is and her ways."

What happens when your world disappears.
Maybe it is just me.

But I think losing your mate is the strongest loss.
That is if your mate was like mine.
In my mind I see any loss as devastating
But I cannot see any as horrible as the day my husband passed.
If my parents pass it would be hard.
I love them but I know they love me and always will.
Even if we were not on good terms.
If my child would pass,

It would burn my very soul and I would never forget
Even if my child gave me hard times.
If my friend would pass.
I would have a loss I cannot over come.
But in my mind, their is only one person who could console me
Who could help me
Who could hold me and let me be weak.
For everyone I am strong.
My parents,
My family,
My child,
My friends.
Everyone sees me as the strongest one.
As the rock they lean upon.
But my husband,

He knew I was strong and he could lean upon me.
But only with he could I be weak.
Could I cry,
Could I be a child if I had to.
He saw me as a whole person.
NOT THIS ROCK.
NOT THIS STRONG PERSON TO TALK TO.
TO GET ADVISE.
TO HELP THEM.
I was just a woman.
I was strong and delicate.
I was wise and innocent.
I was everything I could be everything.
Nothing was hidden or shamed.
I was just the woman he loved so much

that he would do anything
in heaven or earth for.
The woman he chose to live his life with.

What Happens when the only person I could be weak with is gone.
When all is gone from me and I need my husband.
He is not there.
Everyone turns to me
I am the ROCK
the one everyone leans upon.
BUT I NEED TO LEAN
I NEED TO HURT
I NEED TO SCREAM
I NEED TO BE A CHILD
But he is gone.
That is how I will always feel,
no one to be weak with anymore.
I cant be a woman anymore.
I always have to be the strongest one,
I hold it all together.
Who is going to hold me together now?

Do You Hear Me Cry

September 26, 2005

Raquel Hernandez Gillings

Do you hear me cry my love.

I cry out for you.

Do you hear my breath my love.

I breathe hard for you.

I wish I could die my love.

In the morning if I didn't wake.

It would be a splendid bliss.

I do not fear death my love.

It will bring me to you.

I know I have so much more to do here.

Can you tell me what it is?

I want to rush home to you.

My heart aches so much for you.

I know yes I need you.

And I wont be happy until I am with you.

Do you hear me cry my love.

When I cry out for you.

Can you come to me my love.

In my dreams.

In sudden darkness.

Where I can see you.

Speak with you, hold on to you.

Wish I could live with you.

Do you hear me cry out my love.

I scream from the inside out.

No one can replace you my love.

In that I have no doubt.

Can you give me peace in my remembrance.

Can you give me a sign.

That you cry out for at some time?

I am being weak my love.

Am I being weak in my humanity?

To dare to want you in death?

I am not scared, I want them to take me.

Take me away from pain and hurt in not having you.

But inside me I know, I feel it is not my time.

No matter how I pray for it.

Are you waiting my love.

Are you waiting for me?

My lifetime is but a moment in time for you.

My days are just seconds, and my years are but a day to you.

How much longer my love must I be in torture to return to you.

Will I feel your spiritual hand of comfort on me my love

It seems that I cannot stand.

The thought that you might be to busy on the other side.

To give me your comforting hand.

Just another dream my love

Let me play out my role.

Let me love you tonight my love.

Let me see you tonight my love.

Let me hold you tonight my love.

If death wont knock on my door.

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Home Guestbook Email

My Husband's Memorial Pages

Our Wedding Pages

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Song:

Ready for Love - India Arie

Dedicated to My Amazing Husband

Christopher Lloyd Gillings

May you rest in Peace my Love

Forever Your Wife Raquel