The following Story is not for everyone.
This Story is about the loss of my first child.
This is my personal experience, some parts are a bit graphic.
Return to the main part of my site,
if you think you might become offended.
(Click the Back Button on your Browser) or
(The Home Button at the bottom of this page)

Anyone who Wishes to stay, I thank you for taking the time.
I am not putting my experience here for anyone's Pity.
I am sharing my experience to help myself heal and also to
help anyone who may have experienced something similar.


~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~

I was 15 and a half. I have always thought I got pregnant by another situation that happened to me. But with some great thought, I believe I know that it was a young man who was 20 years old. He was light skinned Hispanic. I don't remember his name I blocked it out sometime ago. He was so full of sweetness and kindness. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful, special girl. I spent some time with him and went to his house and we would watch T.V.  I trusted him and he seemed to like me so much. I was looking for approval, love and mostly understanding. He gave me all those things. We slept together and I believe that he either put a hole in the condom that he used or took it off during Sex.  All seem ok and I was happy to spend time with him.  The next time I went  to see him he wouldn’t even bother with me anymore. He just wanted to have sex with me and then he would say, “ I have to go to the store.” or "I have to take care of something.". "I will be right back.” he would say. Then hours would pass and he never came back. I would just leave. After the 3rd time of him doing that, I didn’t bother to call him or go by his house anymore. I was hurt and I knew that he used me.

My period didn’t come. At first I didn’t even think about it. I tried to ignore my situation I acted like nothing happened. I was kind of in a daze and I was very scared. I didn’t want to be pregnant; I called him and told him I thought I was pregnant. After that whenever I called he wouldn’t answer he had his Mother answer and say he wasn’t home. After a few times of me calling, I didn’t bother anymore. I was alone and I was pregnant. I just couldn’t face it. I know a lot of people say "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?" I believe it was because I was so young and was so hurt that I tried to block it out. I tried not to believe it could be true. But inside I knew it, I wouldn’t go to school,  I had morning sickness and the only thing I could eat was Granny apples. I would go anywhere there was a bathroom and vomit through the day. I spent days riding the trains of New York from one borough to the other, crying and trying to make sense of it all.

I finally got my head together;  I must have been about 4 months pregnant.   I have to do something. I went to a place called Planned Parenthood and got tested and so forth. I saw a counselor;  they asked me what I wanted to do. I told them I have no idea. They sent me different places to find out about adoption, abortions and so on. I was already 4 and a half months and abortion was not in my thoughts. But they sent me to centers to find out about it anyway. I was so confused I just kept looking from place to place for an answer. I knew I would have to leave my Father's house it was something I was planning. I knew he and my stepmother would kick me out they told me so. If I ended up pregnant I would have to go and couldn’t live there or ever come back.

I got my things together. I decided to go and I did, I just left. I went to a shelter at 42nd street called Covent House; I turned 16 a few days later. It was there that I would look at my stomach and see the roundness of it. I stroked my Tummy tenderly one day in the mirror. "What shall I do?" I wondered without an answer in my head. Planned Parenthood sent me to get temporary Medicaid. They also sent me to Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn. Kings County had me talk to a counselor that told me my options. I could have it and keep it or adoption or an abortion. I knew I couldn't keep it cause I was basically living on the streets and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn't have the abortion. I just didn’t know, I was scared and really didn’t want to face any of this. They were kind of trying to push me toward having an abortion but I knew that I had a baby inside me. It was too big. I must have been 5 months already. "We do have a procedure." the lady told me. I just couldn’t swallow it. She set me up an appointment to see a doctor.

A whole month later I went in. I was talking to the Doctor and he asked me a lot of questions about the baby and how I felt, movement and so forth. I answered his questions and he seemed concerned by my answers. You see I had never felt movement or many of the other things you do with a normal pregnancy. He did a sonogram and he started to have some other doctor's come in the room looking at the monitor. I saw my baby there for the first time, just there, on the monitor I cried and cried, that was the first time I really saw my baby. I really accepted that I had a baby inside me. A feeling washed over me and I knew, I had to do the best thing for my baby.  I had to give my baby a better life than I could give.

The Doctors and Nurses all gathered around. Something was wrong, my baby was not right. I don’t even remember what everyone was saying. And I didn’t understand what it all meant. Something about the baby's lungs not being there or not working. All I really understood was that my baby was sick and not going to live. "You’re going to have to have an Abortion.,” the Doctor said. "What do you mean?" I said. He tried to explain it to me but I just couldn’t understand.  I was nerveous and felt surrounded,  I didn’t make sense of it all. The only thing I knew is that the doctor's said they had to take my baby out of me. It would grow and it had no chance of living. I was 6 months pregnant.

I was so confused that I had no time to be sad. They made an appointment for me to have an Abortion 2 weeks later. Those 2 weeks were the scariest 2 weeks I can remember. I had a boyfriend and when he found out he supported me. His name was Eddie, I found out later that he wasn’t as nice as he seemed. But he was there for me during this time. Two days before the Abortion I started having sharp pains in my tummy. I didn’t even bother to think about it because I knew was going to see a doctor soon. On the Morning of my appointment I had a heavy heart. I left the shelter with Eddie and started my long ride to Kings County. We looked for the building on the card given to me. We followed the Instructions on it; they had put me with a bunch of other girls and ladies who were having abortions also. I didn’t really understand what they were going to do to me, but I read the paper given that explained the procedure. They would have to put in an I.V. and then take a needle and insert it into my tummy under my belly button and drip some liquid in my stomach. Then put something in my I.V to make me have labor. It was the scariest thing I ever heard.  I almost left but I thought about what the doctor's told me.  I had no choice.

They treated us so badly in Kings County Hospital. They had already put in my I.V. and had me assigned a room. The Doctor who came to put the Needle in my stomach was so mean to me. He told me not to move and I didn’t I was so still. But when he put that needle in me I felt this big pop inside and he dripped this hot liquid in me. I was crying and crying, he screamed at me to not Cry. I couldn’t help it, I was not only scared but it hurt. I was so glad when he took it out. I then had to wait for the Labor. My Boy Friend was in the waiting room. I was at least able to sit there with him. He comforted me and I did feel better. I talked to some other girls that were there and other’s that were coming in for abortions. I couldn’t believe that some of them had so many abortions already and that they waited so long to come and have one. If you know about these things you should be careful or at least go right away before the baby gets so big. But who was I to talk right. I was here being herded around like cattle with the rest of them.

I thought about my baby, why did it have to be sick. I had hoped that I could give my baby to a family that wanted a child and couldn’t have one. I had no answer and I really couldn’t think about it much. The labor started and at first I was ok. But the pain got harder and harder. I wanted to push and I did but I wasn’t ready to deliver. I screamed and I was sweating. I screamed more and God I wanted to go home. Eddie held onto me and he started to cry. I was screaming too much and the Nurses came and grabbed me. They took me to my room and left me there. "Please I need someone with me please." "Let my boyfriend come here and sit with me." They said no and left me alone. I screamed and screamed the pain was so bad. I now know that when they induce labor the I.V. drip makes the pains strong, even stronger that what real labor is like. I started screaming for Eddie. I didn’t want to be alone in the room. The Nurses came into my room and screamed at me to "SHUT UP!" I was scaring off the other girls who came in for abortions. "Please don't leave me alone." I begged her. "We sent your Boyfriend away so no one is here for you." she said to me. I found out later that since I wanted him they got security to come and take him out the building. He didn’t want to leave me there alone.

I felt the pains coming and coming I couldn’t even breathe. I went to the Nurses Station and asked them. "Please don’t leave me alone in there I am scared." The nurses then took me to the room and tied me down. I tried to fight but the pain was so much. I lay there screaming and screaming for someone to help me. I was crying and crying, why did the treat me like this? I kept screaming from the pain and I was pulling on my restraints and the pain made me pull harder. I knew the Nurses might be scared of me because I was so tall and big. But did they have to tie me down like this? I kept pulling at the restraints and then all of a sudden the right Side bar of the bed snapped off. It made the loudest noise when it fell to the floor. One of the Nurses came running "SHIT FUCK this Bitch broke the Fucking side rail!" she screamed to the other Nurses. They all came running one with a Needle in her hand. "Please help me." I said in a tired breath. " I am going to help you right Fucking now!" the Nurse with the needle said. She shoved the needle in my hip and I shook with surprise and the coldness I felt. They switched me to another bed but didn’t tie me down this time. I started to feel sleepy and I felt the pain start to disappear slowly. I was suddenly asleep, I don’t know for how long I slept but it must have been a while. I dreamed of my labor and a baby so beautiful it was hard to give away.

I woke up feeling a bit better. I didn't have any pain at first, but then I felt my stomach tighten and a pain I could never have imagined. I felt something inside me coming out the only way I could describe it is something the size of Melon coming straight out of me like a Whooshing through a tunnel. Then a large bursting sensation and all of a sudden my bed was soaked with blood. "NURSE!" I screamed. A different Nurse came a Spanish one. "THE BABY!" I said "I GAVE BIRTH!” "I will be right back." she said and she got some kind of kit. My pain was all gone and I didn’t believe how different I felt. She told me not to look and she checked the baby. Everything had come out at once, baby, placenta and all. "That is odd.” the Nurse said. She was nicer than the other Nurses. She helped me clean up and told me the things I needed to do. She got me comfortable in the bed again and I went to sleep. I never even got to see my baby or find out what Sex it was. The next morning they let me go and the nurse said, "I don’t want to see you back here OK." "I wont ever come back." I said. As I left the building I saw Eddie was coming down the block to get me. He took my hand and we walked slowly to the train and rode back to the Shelter.

~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~

I have never forgotten my experience. When I think of it I cry and wonder if my baby died because of me.   I learned later that my baby might  have been dead already before going in for the abortion.  In talking to the other ladies and girls their babies did one thing mine didn’t do. When they had the stomach drip their babies moved around. They were fighting for their lives inside. The drip is what kills them. Mine didn’t move at all. Also my placenta might have been already detached that is why it all came out at once. The pains I experienced the 2 days before going in must have been my body telling me. The only thing I have to remember my baby by is a Medicaid card that says Hernandez U. meaning Hernandez Unborn. That is the only token I can hold. No dress or little sweater. Not a picture or even the sex of my baby to remember. Not even a burial. Just the image of the brown paper bag they put my baby in and the Nurse taking it away. I have carried that card around for years. I have it now put away in my box with some papers in an old wallet. I can’t bear to look at it, Just holding it makes me remember and feel loss. I am now 28 years old, I have a 9-year-old daughter and I am widowed from my husband of 2 years.  I can never forget my first child even though I never got to hold it.  I lost my First child and now my husband.  All I have left is my Solemn Heart.

http://www.luvraqui.com/bronxpalace

 

Graphics Set Created by: LuvRaqui
It is not for Public use and remains the Property of
LuvRaqui Inc. Copyright 2000 / Set made 2001